Coochie Scorch And Burn! Habanero’s, a lesson learned!

WHY ME…….? How Hot Peppers won the war!

December 2021. This article is meant to not only ammuse but educate our readers in the dangers of mixing private parts with hot peppers.

You can read more about Shonnas crazy life on this blog Simply Shonna 

 

And here is what happened ya all, its a true story too! Try to not laugh at me too very much ok!!

We all know you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. You hear this your whole life! What you do NOT hear about is washing your hands THOROUGHLY after you have handled spicy foods and BEFORE you use the potty! And I found out the hard way that habanero’s fall in this category!

As a HUGE fan of a clean bathroom routine, I thought I was safe! In all my bathrooms I have hand soap, sanitizing gel, and even Lysol for the seat when people are done. It can easily be said that my germaphobe anxiety plays out in the bathrooms! Shouldn’t this mean I am good to go when I need to go? I guess Lysol isn’t the shield of protection I thought it to be. It has no protection from hot peppers!

QUICK FACTS:

Habanero peppers are among the hottest chili peppers in the world. They measure between 80,000 and 600,000 Scoville Units! Habanero peppers will not only bring the heat you crave but pack punch with that heat! But beware of that spice!!

Ok back to my story: 

Honestly, all I wanted was a spicy salsa! You know, a really spicy fresh salsa! I wanted people’s eyes to water and their tastebuds to tingle. On the counter, I had cilantro, tomatoes, diced onions, fresh garlic, tomatillos, and of course the peppers! I had been slicing and dicing and chopping and peeling for a long time!

Of course, I knew to not rub my eyes. Hell, my eyes were already pouring, burning, and watering like crazy! You would have thought I had been watching, “Marley and Me”! Ohh how the tears were flowing! But I am a die-hard! Ok, I’m stubborn, anyhow I stuck it out and carried on in my endeavor!

Picture this scene: It’s hot and summer and OMG Miserable in the kitchen. I’m drinking a lot of water and Mio. Practically chugging down water bottles like frat boys at a kegger chugging down solo cups of brew. You get the idea…..soon enough I had to pee! The super bladder I once had, is a thing of the past. I was going to explode. (I blame my children for this problem). Soon it was inevitable, I had to go! I rinsed my hands off and ran in bathroom.

More Quick Facts:

Turns out that there’s an issue with the OIL from the peppers that get on your hands. You know, the stuff you can’t see!

Anyhoo, I do my business and grab some Charmin to wipe, and then it starts. At first, it was a MILD heat. But in no time it unbearable! In just the time it took for me to wash and dry my hands, it became a raging nightmare. I swear it was like the gates of Hades had opened up under my Va Jay-J, I tell you this is some serious shit and is no joke!

I called the Dr.s Office and got the on-call nurse. Life was against me I guess because I got a DUDE. Are you freeking KIDDING ME? Did I really have to tell a strange guy that my privates are on fire? Um, this shit was serious…but DAMN!

I asked if there was a female I could talk to instead…..NO DICE. Turns out that call-in nurses work from home and not at some mystery call center. (I actually question this! I think that guy just wanted the details! Face it, as soon as a chick asks to talk to another chick you know it’s going to be personal!) ANYHOO, so I tell the guy what happened and what does he do? …The bastard snickered! My girly parts are on fire and he has the nerve to snicker? If I hadn’t been near death I would have found that punk and smacked the shit out of him! Lucky for him I was near death, so instead, I had tears rolling down my face.  ..GRRRR.

He then claims that he, “hears the same complaint about 3-4 times a week. After all peppers are in season”. I guess that a lot of people don’t wear gloves while making salsa? Great to know I am one of the million idiots in our area!  Wonderful insight, right? Hell, I eat out at the Mexican food place all the time. I’ve never seen a waiter who has donned rubber gloves while serving salsa! I don’t know if they are lucky, smart, or immune! …No matter, I didn’t need to know really. After all, I was DYING here!  I didn’t care at that moment, really it was a fleeting moment of envy/hate for those waiters!

Now the stuff that makes your mouth burn and your eyes water is called Capsaicin. Turns out they make BEAR REPELLENT out of this crap?! And I got it on my coochie!  The fires of hell were tearing apart my girl parts, and the ass on the phone had snickered -JACKASS! Ok, I will kill him later…for now I need a solution, a trick, or really ANYTHING… to stop the burn!!

Capsaicin isn’t water-soluble. It is oil soluble. His advice, Buttermilk. I don’t HAVE buttermilk. NEXT, Plain Yogurt…NOPE. NEXT! Vinegar followed up by an oatmeal bath. BINGO…I hung up on the jerk, ran to the kitchen followed by the bathroom! HOLY HELL, it took what seemed like FOREVER to even start to calm down enough to find what I needed. I tore out every single item from the cabinet, only to see the oatmeal was sitting on the stovetop still from breakfast earlier that day. OMG, it was also almost empty. Who the hell is supposed to be grocery shopping in this dive,…yeah turns out that someone is ME, DAMMIT ALL! It seemed to take FOREVER to find what I needed to save myself from this agony! I mean it had to be like an HOUR! …Ok it was like 2 minutes, but the feels people, the feels!

I FINALLY get in the tub! I filled that bitch up with lukewarm water the oatmeal and vinegar. It slowly and I mean REALLY SLOWLY started to get better. And guess what people, the burn did not go away entirely for several MORE hours! WHAT I wouldn’t have done for some yogurt….or a time machine that day!

And The Lesson Learned Here:

Ok so here’s the lesson for you all. Never and I mean NEVER go pee without a mass scrub after you remove your gloves. Do NOT forget the gloves! You CANNOT, and I want to REALLY Stress this point, …CANNOT BE TO CAREFUL!

Guard your va-jay-j’s ladies. Trust me this is one lesson you don’t want to learn the hard way!

And there’s a day in my not-so-awesome life, welcome to my world folks!

 

 

 

You Can Find Shonna and her merry band of crazy friends all over social media!

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AVAILABLE GROUPS INCLUDE:

Facebook #1 low key shopping group     Bargain Culture And Snarky Sidedishes

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You can read more about Shonnas crazy life on this blog Simply Shonna